How to Make Negative Emotions Your Best Friends
The neuroscience, how it affects us and what you can do to transform
Three emotions are often viewed in a negative light - shame, fear, and guilt. While these emotions may not feel great in the moment, they can actually be powerful motivators for change and growth. Your negative emotions can rob you of opportunities or they can become your allies to help you grow. They did for me and I want to share how you can use them for personal growth too. But the first thing you need to be aware of is that, your brain will tell you to fight, flight or freeze automatically because our brain is wired with negativity bias.
What actually happens in our brain when negative emotions are detected
The emotions of shame, fear, and guilt can trigger the "fight or flight" response in our bodies when we perceive a threat or danger. This response is a primitive survival mechanism that prepares us to either confront the danger (fight) or flee from it (flight).
However, in some cases, we may also experience the "freeze" response, where we become immobilized and unable to take action. This can happen when the threat is overwhelming or when we feel helpless to change the situation.
One reason why these emotions can lead to fight, flight, or freeze is because of the negativity bias in our brains. The negativity bias is the tendency for our brains to give more weight to negative experiences and emotions than positive ones. This bias evolved as a survival mechanism, as it helped our ancestors to be more attuned to potential threats in their environment.
When we experience shame, fear, or guilt, our brains interpret them as negative experiences and prioritize them over positive ones. This can trigger the fight or flight response, as our bodies prepare to respond to the perceived threat. However, in some cases, the negativity bias can also cause us to freeze, as we become overwhelmed by the negative emotions and feel unable to take action.
To overcome the fight, flight, or freeze response, it can be helpful to reframe these negative emotions in a more positive light. By reframing them as opportunities for growth and learning, we can reduce the perceived threat and activate the more positive aspects of our nervous system, such as the rest and digest response. This can help us to stay calm and focused in the face of challenges, and to respond in a more productive and effective way.
What is Shame and what can you do
Shame is the feeling that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. When we experience shame, it can be tempting to hide or avoid situations that trigger those feelings. However, if we can confront our shame and work through it, we can actually become more resilient and self-assured. By acknowledging our mistakes and imperfections, we can learn from them and become better versions of ourselves.
Let's say you made a mistake at work that caused a project to fail. You feel ashamed and embarrassed, and you want to avoid facing your colleagues. To reframe this emotion, try to acknowledge your mistake without judging yourself harshly. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and use this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. You can also talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling, which can help you gain perspective and move forward.
When my son suffocated on April 7 2019, I was very shameful as a dad. After I started writing, reflecting and reframing these thoughts, shame became my motivation to become better at what I do, so I can be a better role model to my children. Three years later, there are 4 books, 1 podcast and this newsletter that you are reading now. Children model their parents. I am still far from mastery, and I am committed to incremental improvements each and every day.
What is Fear and what can you do
Fear is a natural response to perceived danger or threat. It can be paralyzing, but it can also be a powerful motivator to take action and make changes. When we feel fear, we are often forced to confront our limitations and find creative solutions to overcome them. Fear can push us out of our comfort zones and help us achieve things we never thought possible.
Imagine you are afraid of public speaking, but you have an important presentation coming up. Instead of avoiding the situation, try to reframe your fear as an opportunity to challenge yourself and improve your skills. You can practice your presentation in front of a small group of friends or family members, and gradually work your way up to larger audiences. Remember that fear is a natural response to new challenges, and it can actually help you perform better by keeping you alert and focused.
What is Guilt and what can you do
Guilt is the feeling of remorse or regret for something we have done wrong. It can be a painful emotion, but it can also be a catalyst for change. When we feel guilty, it is a sign that we care about our actions and their impact on others. We can use that guilt to make amends, apologize, and take steps to prevent similar mistakes from happening in the future.
Let's say you said something hurtful to a friend, and now you feel guilty about it. Instead of wallowing in guilt, try to reframe this emotion as an opportunity to take responsibility for your actions and make amends. You can apologize to your friend and ask how you can make things right. Use this experience as a reminder to be more mindful of your words and actions in the future.
While shame, fear, and guilt may not feel great in the moment, they can actually be powerful motivators for positive change. By acknowledging and working through these emotions, we can become more resilient, self-assured, and compassionate individuals. Take responsibility for our past actions and inactions can help us redefine our relationship with these emotions.
Evolve Together,
Aaron